A closed door

I think I just weaned my last baby.

I have been so lucky to have been able to breast feed all my boys.  I say lucky both because my boobies worked, and because I have been able to stay at home with them and feed them until they’ve all been ready to stop.

Engorgement and cracked nipples aside, I have loved feeding.  I never found it inconvenient – on the contrary, it always seemed so convenient to have instant food and instant comfort for my babies.

I could keep feeding.  Peanut has only been having a bedtime feed for the past month or so.  But I really think I would just be feeding to hold on to my baby.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  I am just really struggling with the fact that there will be no more babies in this house, and it is something I need to start embracing rather than grieving.

Where he used to fall asleep in a milk-induced stupor at night, he now gets antsy and upset after a feed.  No more sleepy hair twirling, just wriggling and biting.  He’s ready to move on too.

In the past seven years my body has gone through five pregnancies, two natural births, one caesarian, two miscarriages, two D & Cs and three years of breastfeeding.  I think I’m ready for a break.  To reclaim this worn out body of mine.  Maybe even share it with my hubby a bit ;)

So tonight, I grieve.  But I also breathe a sigh of relief and square my shoulders, ready to say goodbye to babies and greet this next stage of life.  I greet it with saggy boobs, lined with silvery stretch marks that will forever remind me of holding close my warm, sleepy, soft baby boys.

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21 thoughts on “A closed door

  1. It’s hard to wean no matter how long you do it for! accept the grieving process, for three years it’s been a major part of your life. But yes a different time is ahead of you, your role in peanut’s life begins.
    Didn’t know you’ve had a long and hard road over the lats few years, similar story here. It’s nice when we can put those years ‘behind us’ (in a nice way) and reclaim your body.

  2. I delayed weaning my second until she was 16 months because I thought she would be my last but here I am feeding again as I type. I too am lucky that it’s always been a fairly easy go with breast feeding and I don’t know how I’ll go when it’s time to stop with Tiny One. But embrace the new phase as life *should* get easier as they get older. I hope!

    • I’m not sure if things get easier, or just different! It’s nice to be able to wear whatever I want though, and shop for new bras – hooray!

  3. Beautiful post. I have loved feeding too, and like you, have been blessed with an easy road (when it comes to feeding). Now, I’m ready to wean Miss 14 months (about the same age I weaned her brother and sister). She is fine with no feeds during the day, but a feed is the only way to settle her if she wakes overnight. I’m wondering how long this will last… but I know I will miss it when it is over.

    • Oh Julie, I forgot how lost I’d feel when he woke in the night! I don’t know what to do now when he wakes. Sometimes cuddles just don’t cut it. We both need to learn a different way now, I guess!

  4. I’m not where you are… but I understand how hard it would be. I was looking at Charlie the other day- he is only 8 weeks old. But I was thinking ‘Stop growing!’ It’s happening so fast. I know how sad I would be if he was my last baby. You expressed yourself beautifully xxxx

  5. Awwww what a beautiful post xxx my heart goes out to you at this time, yes it’s a time of great change but atleast you can sit back and be grateful for the close one on one time you have been able to spend with your babies. I’m not in this position yet but I’m sure I’m going to be very emotional!!! Thank you for a gorgeous reminder just how special we are to be able to breastfeed!!!!

    • I feel so lucky to have been able to feed all my boys so long. It is such a precious time! There are lots of other opportunities for cuddles though – I just have to be sneaky sometimes!

  6. Hey Tam, just closed the door on nappies during the day. However slightly more celebratory than finishing breast feeding!!! Kx

    • My first two self weaned too, but it was definitely harder this time with my last baby boy. These darned kids know how to break our hearts, don’t they?

  7. My last one self weaned cold turkey and that was awful. I remember being so upset about the whole thing.

    I thought I would be sad about not having anymore babies, but I’m relieved. Today, I held a two day old and it was womderful, and she was beautiful, but the was no cluckyness, and I felt so relieve by that. I’m excited about what it is to come. :)

    • Ohhh, I think my heart would have broken if Peanut had have self-weaned. It was kind of a mutual decision.

      I look forward to the cluckiness going away. My uterus still aches when I see babies. But I am excited about my kiddies growing up and all the fun that will come with that :)

  8. You wrote just what I thought at the time when I weaned my last (of three) boys. He quit cold turkey at 12 months and I cried for two weeks. For some of us, breastfeeding is the best part of having a baby – and that was me! But today he is four and I know I will not be having any more little ones…and that is quite ok! Enjoy the next phase!

    • Yes, it is something I’m going to miss. A lot. But I am looking forward to having older kiddies who aren’t quite so physically reliant on me.

      Your baby is getting so big now! Four! A belated happy birthday to him :)

  9. Weaning is an emotional time… especially when it’s your youngest. But you are right, the world changes when your children are past the baby stage and really able to engage with the world. It brings a lot more opportunities for you and for them. Embrace it. :)

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